There was a time when I wanted to fade away, to let my body dissolve into the air,
To stand back and watch as I disintegrated into dust, to be carried away by the wind.
I didn’t just want to fall asleep, I didn’t just want to disappear,
I wanted to not exist;
To close my eyes and just cease to be, to finally let everything go and be at peace.
I wanted it because I was too tired, too scared, too fat, too dumb, too different,
I wanted it.
And one night I wanted it so badly I was scared of myself,
It wasn’t so beautiful anymore, it wasn’t a pretty dream, it hurt and left scars and I didn’t want it,
So I hid,
I hid in a dark closet at 3am, and I cried until my eyes were raw.
And then I saved myself;
I dialled a friend.
And I remembered,
That even if in that small dark closet I couldn’t see it, there was something good out there,
That I have a million tiny moments to look forward to, a hundred thousand sunsets to watch, a thousand new books to read, people to meet, rain to watch, poems to write, songs to sing to,
Nights to stay up through, memories to share.
Even though I couldn’t imagine it in that moment, I would smile again,
Since then I have laughed until I was sore, I have crashed parties, danced all night, moved to a city, made new friends, found a new favourite book, made a plan for my life, discovered my dreams.
I’m ashamed that I ever wanted to drift away, to become nothing.
But I know I am stronger for it.
Now I measure every achievement by that moment, and every day I get out of bed I am proud,
Proud because I am still here, and for me that is enough.
Alicia Jones Poetry 